I sometimes hear from women who almost feel as if they are in a competition with the woman with whom their husband has been cheating. Sometimes, the husband has promised to end things, but it later becomes obvious that he can't, won't, or hasn't. Other times, he is honest about Match.com Reviews the fact that he doesn't want to let her go. The wife can feel as if the other woman has "one upped" her so to speak and this can make a very difficult situation that much worse.
Common comments are things like:
"I know it's stupid and I know that it isn't healthy, but I can't help but
compare myself to the other woman. I can't help but keep tabs on her. When I
first found out that my husband was cheating with her, I emailed her and I said
things that were not all nice. But I felt that she deserved them. Well, she
responded by telling me that she could have my husband if she wanted him. She
told me that he wasn't in love with me and that he was only staying with me out
of sense of obligation. But then she told me to 'watch and see' how he couldn't
stay away from her. This made me furious. I called her all sorts of unpleasant
things and said that she was liar. Well, imagine how disappointed and hurt that
I am to find texts of my husband's phone indicating that he's still in touch
with her. He is still pursuing her. I am heartbroken. Of course, I am disappointed
about my marriage. But I feel like she has won. I feel like she has beaten me.
If she wants him, she gets to just take my husband away. I know that this is
very Match immature
and it is not good for me to think this way. But I can't seem to stop. How do I
stop this cycle and stop thinking that she won?"
This is a very common concern. Some
people just can not understand why the wife would fixate on the other woman
when she has so many other things to worry about. But if you have been there,
you know why. You see her that is the thing which is in the way of your
happiness. You see her as a reminder of your insecurities and flaws. She is
almost like an open wound that you can not stop picking at.
She Hasn't Won. You Win When You
Turn Away From Her: Can you tell that I understand this? I do. Because I have
been there. But because I have been there, I know something else. Following her
and keeping Match.com tabs on
her and thinking about her are a road to nowhere. It will only delay your
healing. It will only make you feel worse about yourself and about your
situation. When healing and recovering is already so difficult, why give her
this kind of power over you, especially when she has done absolutely nothing to
deserve it?
Let's break this down for a second.
What has she won, really? Some other woman's husband simply because she is a
novelty? What happens when the newness wears off and he is no longer as
interested? She likely won't feel so celebratory then. And frankly, you have to
wonder about a woman who seems to enjoy someone else's pain. This shows an
almost desperate need for attention and control.
I understand that you might feel as
if she has won for now, but if you look at it very literally, her prize is
certainly nothing to write home about. She has left destruction and lies in her
wake. I doubt it's easy for her to look in the mirror or sleep at night,
despite the persona she tries so hard to portray. At the end of the day, she
only has a phantom relationship built upon lies and fantasy. I don't call that
winning. I call that being on a collision course with an unhealthy path that is
moving away from integrity and grace. That's not winning, at least in my book.
Do you know how you're going to
feel that you won again? It's not necessarily taking your husband back from
her? It's not feeling as if you've forced your husband to stop contacting her.
It's knowing that you are moving on from her and from this entire situation.
It's knowing that you are focusing on yourself and your own healing and not
focusing one more moment on her and her unhealthy threats. Frankly, it will
probably annoy her much more when you ignore her than when you engage with her.
Most wives know that all of this is
true, but they have a hard time leaving it alone. They feel as if they need to
keep tabs. I do understand this, but your main concern must be yourself. If the
situation has become this unhealthy, sometimes the best that you can do is to
back away for a while. This gives the husband time to realize his huge mistake.
And once he does, you can then evaluate if you want to give him a chance to
make this up to you. But for now, it doesn't seem as if that is even on the
horizon. You can never go wrong focusing on yourself, especially when the
alternative is focusing on her. If you back away and refuse to engage, she's
only left with her own drama and dysfunction. And I'd suspect it's not nearly as
thrilling without an audience.
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