I sometimes hear from wives who feel sure that the other woman has "poisoned" her husband's mind and turned his thoughts and feelings against her. In fact, some wives feel that this strategy of the other woman's has been so successful that the husband AnastasiaDate.com Reviews now hates his wife - all because of her.
A typical comment in this situation
would be something like: "my husband met the other woman at work. She has
the same career position as him. I could tell that he respected how smart she
was and that he respected her opinion. I never thought that he would cross the
line though. When I first met her, she would make snide little comments about
my choosing to stay home with my kids instead of having a career. She'd say
things like: 'wow. It must be really nice to be able to just watch TV with your
kids all day while the rest of us toil away at our jobs.' I figured that she
was resentful that she didn't have a spouse who would allow her to take on this
role. So I ignored it. One day, I was meeting my husband at his office and I
overheard her saying: 'I'm not sure how you stand it. I don't think that I
could support another human being while they sat on their bottom all day at
home. And I'm not sure that I could respect myself if I did that. I would get
so annoyed knowing that I'm dealing with angry clients all day while she's at
home watching talk shows. And frankly, she should forego the talk shows and hit
the gym. I'm not sure how you can be romantic with someone that big. I saw your
wedding picture. She's put on a lot of weight since then.' My husband didn't
really respond at that time. But now that the affair is out in the open, he has
become very critical AnastasiaDate of me. He
says the same thing this woman says - that I stay home, do nothing, and put on
weight so that I'm unattractive. It's like he hates me now. Honestly, I think
that the other woman has completely changed the way that my own husband thinks
of me. But when I told my sister about this, she says that someone else can't
change your spouse's feelings for you. She said he must have had hatred there
all along. Is this true?"
I can't answer this from the
perspective of a cheating man. And my opinion is definitely biased because I
have dealt with this also. But I do think that the other woman can most
certainly influence your husband's thinking. When my own husband had an affair,
it came out later that he felt pressured to be the breadwinner in our home and
to take a very high pressure job that he had never aspired to in the first
place. This might have contributed to why he felt some sense of freedom with
the other woman (who had a menial job and somewhat low expectations.) But, my
husband remembered things very differently from the way that I did. In
actuality, I begged him not to take the high pressure job. I said that I would
rather have lived on less but had more family time. He didn't remember it that
way, of course. The other woman represented a lack of responsibility.
In truth, this couple could have
decided together that the wife would stay at home for the sake of her children.
Anyone AnastasiaDate.com who has
stayed home with children knows that it is a sacrifice. It is not something
that you do to get out of working or because you want to be lazy. The husband
likely knew this, but he was not thinking clearly because he was trying to find
ways to justify his behavior whether he realized it or not. And one way to do
this was to see his wife as someone who didn't deserve his loyalty and
fidelity, even though this was clearly not true.
So how do you handle this? First of
all, sometimes you just have to accept that it may take a while before he comes
back to reality. As his fascination with the other woman decreases, his sense
of reality should increase. In the meantime, I wouldn't engage with him or
allow this to make you fight and only make things worse. I would try to calmly
respond with something like: "I really hope that you don't mean what you
are saying because not only is it incredibly insensitive and cruel, but it is
just not true. You know that we both decided that I would stay home. I miss
working sometimes. I'm not just sitting on my rear. I'm parenting our children.
I'm putting their needs above my own. Can you say the same? I am hoping that
once you are thinking normally again, you will realize just how wrong you are
and will apologize. Until then, I don't want to hear any more about this. We
certainly have bigger problems than our careers. You've been unfaithful to me.
And you're allowing someone who you have only known for a few months to cloud
your thinking about me, who you have known and been committed to for years. It
doesn't make a lot of sense and it shows just where your priorities are.
Whatever problems we have, you can make your own judgements without needing to
borrow hers. If you have legitimate concerns about our marriage, I will listen
to them. But what you are giving me right now are not legitimate concerns. You
are questioning my character, which is ridiculous. You know me better than
this."
I can't promise that he will
immediately apologize. But it might me him think. And frankly, this is just my
opinion, but I doubt very much that he hates you. It's likely that he really
hates his own behavior and so he is trying desperately to justify it. And one
easy and quick way to do that is to make you out to be horribly flawed so that
he might not be so horrible for betraying you. After all, if he saw you as the
woman who was selflessly sacrificing for the sake of his children, he might
have a much harder time looking in the mirror and continuing on with his
behavior.
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